


I'm sorry for breaking your heart

by Galaxie



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Basically they don't see each other for 6 years, Especially Tony, Everyone ships Fitzsimmons, F/M, Fitz leaves, Fitz works at Stark Industries, Fix-it fic, Happy Ending, Okay I lied there's lots of angst, Post 4.722 hours, Well kind of angst, but Tony and Pepper are the comic reliefs so it's okay, post 3x05, that's all you need to know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 01:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5144885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galaxie/pseuds/Galaxie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...but it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.</p><p>After the events of 4.722 hours, Fitz and Simmons fix the Monolith and save Will. Together. It doesn't bring them closer, though. And when Fitz leaves without telling anyone, Jemma is sure it actually tore them apart. So she leaves as well.</p><p>or</p><p>The story of how Fitzsimmons thought they were never going to see each other again and were (almost) fine with it, but fate (or Tony Stark) brought them together in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

**Author's Note:**

> So I was sobbing about FitzSimmons in 3x05, and I was listening to Hello by Adele, and this came out. I don't know.  
> English is not my first language and this is unbetaed, so if you notice too many grammar mistakes or misuse of words, or anything really, feel free to kindly inform me and I'll edit (or take the whole thing away if it's really too much). 
> 
> Also this was basically a test (first published work ever, first work in english ever) and I don't know how it turned out. Tell me if you'd like to see it continued! ;)

Jemma sighed, taking off her lab goggles. She was satisfied with her experiment. For now, everything was going according to the plan: the solution was a light shade of purple-blue, which was perfect, because she just had to put it to heat during her lunch break, and when she’d come back, it would be ready to be distilled. She took off her lab coat and her gloves, putting them on the lab bench next to the heating solution. As she was going to put her jacket on and then go out, one of the younger girls came in, holding a file. She looked anxious.

“Oh, hi Maureen. How do you do?” Jemma asked. She had always been friendly with Maureen, Abigail and the other girls of the Biochem division. At first, it had been only courtesy, but as time went on, she had learned to know them and to like them. Especially Maureen, for the girl was only twenty-four and reminded Jemma of herself when she first went into the field with…

“I spent the entire night editing this! I had to clarify some parts and cut a whole paragraph at some point, but now it’s over. Almost. Would you mind just taking a look at it? You know, to be sure? I’ve never done that before and I know you have…”

“Of course. I’ll take it with me while I go to the Starbucks and read it there, if that’s alright with you?”

It was indeed the first time Maureen was going to publish an article. She had asked for Jemma’s help and Jemma had been happy to provide as much advice as she could. Maureen was now an expert – or so Jemma hoped – in editing, cutting and clarifying scientific papers.

“Yes, it’s perfect. Thanks Jemma, you’re the best.”

Smiling from the compliment, she took the file Maureen was giving to her and put it into her purse – it was the first thing Jemma had bought in Los Angeles and she had made sure it could hold her work files. Waving goodbye at Maureen, Jemma walked out of the building. She had an hour before the beginning of her afternoon shift at twelve. She had been going to the Starbucks down the street for two years now, since she had met Michael. He worked in the same lab as she did, in a different division. They had broken up after three month, but Jemma had kept going to this coffee shop. She occasionally met Michael there, but it was less annoying than the tea was good. Plus, all the baristas knew her now and no one needed to ask her name to write on the cup, which was a very important point.

Jemma reached the Starbucks after walking for about ten minutes. Another plus of this particular shop was that it was always nearly empty, at least at this hour. However, today, the queue was so long that it reached the outside of the shop. Jemma frowned. _Why are there so many people today?_ There was no baseball nor basketball game today or this week… Then she remembered. The University of California Los Angeles was hosting a scientific conference day on Tuesday and Wednesday. Those people were probably either the people helping to set up everything or the speakers. Maybe there were students who had been released earlier than usual because of the conferences preparations. Jemma had thought about going to some of the lectures. It was about neuroscience and the new discoveries about the human brain, and she could ask a day off. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go, though. She hadn’t looked at the detailed schedule, and that would probably decide her anyway. Jemma made a mental note of looking for the day’s program and the speakers list as soon as she would get home. But for now, the only thing that conference day meant was that Jemma was stuck in an endless queue with nothing to do to be productive for the next ten or fifteen minutes… Well actually, there was something she could do. With a sigh, Jemma searched into her purse and took out Maureen’s article. It was the only thing she had brought from work, and she wasn’t going to just play a game on her phone anyway. So she opened the file, took a deep breath and began to read.

***

When Pepper Potts entered Mr. Stark’s office, she was as usual expecting absolutely anything. But apparently, today was a day where Tony Stark didn’t feel like being original. He was sitting on the chair, and looking intensely at the hologram screen in front of him. She joined her boss and boyfriend, standing behind him and reading Leopold Fitz’s message on the screen. _I arrived in LA alright and settled down in the hotel. Conference begins tomorrow. I hope your date with Cynthia turns out fine. Say hi to her and Alice for me._ Pepper frowned, trying to understand the text message. It made no sense. Fitz couldn’t possibly talk to his boss like this, could he? And then she understood: the message was probably not for Tony.

“Don’t tell me you actually hacked into one of your employee’s inbox.” she said finally.

“His name is Sam Harris and his main advantage, apart from being a brilliant physicist, is that he’s Fitz’s best friend and confident.” He looked at Pepper, who had raised her eyebrows in despair. “I had to know if my plan worked! Fitz wasn’t going to update me if it did. Apparently he just arrived there, so no wonder it’s not successful yet.” Tony looked very proud of… either his plan or his hacking skills. Or possibly both.

“You really think it has a chance to work? Los Angeles is huge, there are four millions of people living here, and you can’t possibly expect that the two of them just bump into each other…”

“You’re right, Pepper, and under normal circumstances, I would completely agree with you.” He made a pause at that, and then theatrically stood up. “But I think you might have overlooked something here. I am positive that Leopold Fitz and Jemma Simmons are soulmates.”

Pepper raised an eyebrow, not convinced. It amazed her how Tony was supposed to be a scientist, and yet he had some completely unscientific theories that even _Thor_ would have found ridiculous.

“Soulmates.” She repeated sarcastically. He didn’t seem to notice the scoff in her voice.

“Absolutely.”

“Admitting it exists, how would you know? You haven’t even met her.”

“No, but I met Mockingbird, and she was pretty convincing on the matter. Plus, Fitz is always talking about her, her cleverness, her work, how pretty she is… You’re not the only one who can guess things, you know. I’m _sure_ they are soulmates.” He smiled triumphantly. “This means that if they do meet, and I’m sure they will, it will be because of fate, not me!”

“But _you_ sent Fitz to Los Angeles. To lecture about neuroscience applied in robotics. Whereas he’s an engineer, and you’ve got neuroscientists, and didn’t send any of them. He’s not stupid; he’s going to figure out why you picked him out eventually. If they do meet, it will be entirely your fault.”

“It won't! I’m not over there to lock them both in a room, right? Although that’s something I might consider if that plan doesn’t work…” he stopped talking, pensive.

 _Yes, sometimes Tony Stark’s ideas are truly ludicrous_ , Pepper thought. But after all, he was Iron Man and her boyfriend. That might be the cause of a lot of ludicrous things in her life. She smiled for a moment, and then:

“Now back to the fact that you hacked into Sam Harris’ inbox…”

***

Maureen was amazing. Or maybe Jemma’s advice was good and Maureen was just good at following advice. But no, the girl obviously had to have some talent of her own to write the paper, because every scientific concept was explained effortlessly – at least Jemma found it effortless. But after all, Jemma didn’t learn anything while reading the paper. Anyway, Maureen had provided a very good job and Jemma was positive the editor wouldn’t even hesitate before publishing it. Even the topic was interesting: who wouldn’t care about a possible hope for AIDS cure?

Jemma glanced at the counter. She was probably the next one to order, or maybe she was right after the next one. Anyway, she was close enough to hear the baristas. She watched Dany, the friendlier one, filling a cup of hot chocolate for some college boy. Jemma realized she was going to order and take her cup of tea within a minute, and she was still holding Maureen’s file. She was almost done reading it anyway, she just had to check some little details and then she would give it back to her colleague. Opening her purse, she slipped the file inside. At the same time, she heard Dany asking his name to the man before her. She heard the guy clear his throat and hesitate as if he didn’t know what to say. And then he said his name. He said his name and Jemma’s whole world crumbled around her. She almost dropped her purse. Her blood was pounding in her ears and before she knew it, she was looking at him, repeating his name as if she wasn’t sure he was real.

“Fitz?”

The man turned around, surprised, and then he looked at her and his surprise turned to astonishment. And Jemma looked into his eyes, bluer than ever, and lost herself inside as she always did, and she almost missed the tiny voice in which he said her name.

“Jemma?”


	2. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided to keep writing that, here is the next chapter! (Still unbetaed, and English is still my second language, so mistakes are very likely to appear). 
> 
> A friend of mine pointed out that the title was like the longest title she's ever seen. You can blame Adele, cause all the titles are from her song Hello! I'm probably gonna cut it anyway, reduce it to "I'm sorry for breaking your heart" and put the rest in the description. 
> 
> Alright, here's chapter 2, I hope you enjoy! Again, feel free to point out any mistake that you might find!

“I can’t believe we just bumped into each other like that.” Jemma said, laughing a little. They were sitting at a table together, each holding a cup of Starbucks tea. Fitz grinned.

“Yeah, weird, right? It’s been six years and suddenly…”

“…we meet again. Yes, it’s funny.” She couldn’t help but smile when she noticed how she had been able to finish his sentence without even thinking. For a moment, it was as if nothing had changed since the Academy. They were drinking tea side by side. The only thing missing was the colorful patterns they had worn then… But stuff had happened, and they weren’t at the academy anymore. She wasn’t the same. Neither was Fitz; he was different from the last time she had seen him as well. He was smooth-shaved, as he had always been before the medpod and his hypoxia. He looked... – it broke Jemma’s heart to admit it, but Fitz looked happier after spending six years away from her. Meanwhile she had prevented herself from thinking about him too much, she had desperately tried to keep her mind away from the what-ifs – and miserably failed. She had wanted so hard to believe that he wasn’t a part of her life anymore, but that simply wasn’t true. She could still hear the way his voice sounded when he talked to her. How it had sounded at the beginning of their friendship, light, excited and joyful, and at the end, broken and desperate. She had hated herself for being the cause of his change. And then she had hated herself even more for letting him go. For missing the chance to have him forever in her life.

A couple of minutes passed quietly. She couldn’t stop looking at him, taking in all the changes she could notice, because she wasn’t sure she would ever have another chance to see him. Were his eyes really bluer, or had she just forgotten their actual color? He was wearing a tie again, a red one with black dots. It was expertly tied, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he had tied it himself, or if someone else had done it for him. Maybe his girlfriend? She didn’t even know if he was in a relationship, but she felt a wave of jealousy pooling in her chest. It was ridiculous. She had spent six years trying by all means to eliminate her feelings for him, and she thought she had been successful. But if a simple look at his tie was enough to awake such feelings inside of her, she obviously wasn’t done.

“So… What have you become during these years? Fitz asked, a bit awkwardly.

“Just… living, I guess. I work in the research division at the California hospital medical center. We’re experimenting on a possible treatment preventing people from being infected by HIV. What about you?”

“Wow, that’s great!” He looked genuinely impressed. Jemma smiled weakly. How was she supposed to tell him that she was useless on her own, without him? (It wasn’t the truth, of course, she was quite good at what she did, but nothing like the genius she had been when working with Fitz.) “I joined Stark Industries. That’s why I’m here. I’ll be representing Mr. Stark at the conference days tomorrow and Wednesday.”

“Stark Industries? Really?”

“Well yeah, I sold them the one-month power battery I designed, so they recruited me. It’s nice; everyone there understands when I talk about science.” He smiled. Jemma wanted to scream. How _unfair_ was it that some random people at Stark Industries got to take her place?

“So I guess you live in New York?”

“Yeah. You live here in LA?”

“I’ve got a flat not far from here, yes.”

They fell back into an awkward silence. There was an elephant in the room, but it seemed that neither Fitz nor Jemma wanted to talk about it now. _We’ll have to sort things out eventually_ , Jemma told herself for comfort. But the truth was, no, they didn’t. They didn’t have to talk about anything. They could walk out of here with their unresolved issues, and nothing would change, they would just wave goodbye and never see each other again. On the other hand, if they did address the tension between them, things would change. Jemma didn’t know how it would end. She didn’t _want_ to know how it would end. Maybe they would hate each other. Maybe they would never hear about each other again. _Oh wait, that’s already what happened._

Jemma took a deep breath to get rid of her bitterness. She couldn’t be mad at Fitz. He had every right to leave SHIELD. He had every right to leave her. She had expected him to wait for her forever, and that just wasn’t right. It couldn’t work.

“How long are you here for?” she asked.

“I’m going back on Thursday. Mr. Stark insisted to give me an extra day, he didn’t want me to travel by night and be exhausted the morning after.”

“You talk about him as if you two were best buddies.” Jemma smiled. A lifetime ago, she had dreamt of meeting Tony Stark with Fitz. She hadn’t doubted a single second that Fitz and Stark would have got along perfectly.

“Well, not exactly. He’s my boss, you know… But he basically abducted me, so, yeah, he’s nice to me.”

“What do you mean he _abducted_ you?” She knew Fitz well enough to guess he was trying to lighten the tension between by telling a funny story. It also meant he didn’t want to talk about them and their relationship, at least right now. She let him; she owed him that.

“When I first arrived to New York, I patented my one-month phone battery, and then I was supposed to meet some phone company director. But there were four guys with guns, they basically abducted me. Next thing I knew I was in a car and I couldn’t see anything. I was gonna freak out, cause, you know, HYDRA and all… But turned out it was Maria Hill sitting next to me in the car.”

“Maria Hill? You mean Lieutenant Hill from SHIELD?”

“She works at Stark Industries now, but yes. They took me to Mr. Stark, and he offered me a job. So of course, I wasn’t gonna refuse. And now he’s nice to me.”

He laughed a little at that, and Jemma followed, pretending for a moment that everything was right again with Fitz, her best friend, explaining the weird story of how he had been hired at Stark Industries so they could both laugh at it. But deep inside, she knew she couldn’t just keep lying to herself and pretend everything was fine. She could either bring up the topic, or decide that small talk was good enough. She had no idea which one would be the best for her hopes and dreams, and for her mental health.

***

Pepper had wanted to laugh for at least five minutes now, but she couldn’t. She had to stay serious and make her goddamn boss – or boyfriend – understand that he had no right to hack into his employees’ messages. And no, paying them enough to feed an entire block of flats for three weeks straight was not a good reason. Neither was “ _but I have the hacking skills! I should use them!_ ”

“Look,” Tony said, and suddenly Pepper knew he was being serious this time. “Fitz and this girl are like us. They worked together, and they were in love, but they couldn’t see it, even though everyone else could. The thing is, they ended up being separated. Now take a minute and ask yourself, what would I be today if you hadn’t been there by my side?”

“You’d be dead,” she said, partly because it was what he wanted to hear, and partly because it was the truth.

“Exactly. And if I had miraculously managed to survive, I would probably hate myself now for letting you go. I don’t want Fitz to live without her because I know I wouldn’t want to live without you.”

“You see yourself in him, don’t you?” He didn’t answer, but he looked so earnest and loving that she suddenly felt like kissing him. And she did just that, leaning in to kiss his lips lightly. They both enjoyed it for far too short a moment and then he broke the kiss. He looked slightly annoyed, but Pepper knew him too well not to see the hint of laughter behind the dramatic face.

“I was being serious for once!”

Before she could say anything else, the hologram screen in front of them beeped twice, displaying an incoming message: Sam Harris had replied. _Glad you arrived well. Alice says hi, and you know what? She and Cynthia are gonna go buy some lingerie today. Lucky me tonight and lucky you when you come home!_

Pepper considered the message. She mentally dissected it, looking for another possible explanation. But obviously, there was only one way to understand the message: Alice, whoever she was, was going to buy lingerie, and so, Fitz was lucky. The only possible explanation was that…

“Fitz’s got a girlfriend?” she said out loud.

“Shit!” Tony said almost at the same time. He had probably come to the same conclusion.

They looked at each other then. Tony was visibly panicked, and she knew he was trying to find a solution. They had – _Tony_ had sent Fitz to LA to meet the girl he was probably still in love with, and _he had a girlfriend here in New York_. The situation seemed rather complicated.

“What do we do?!” Tony asked quickly. “They’re gonna meet, and realize they’re still in love, and then what? Fitz is a nice guy; he won’t just throw away his girlfriend! They’ll have to leave each other again after realizing something is still possible between them! It’s gonna break them both even more to have their hopes built up for _nothing_.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Pepper tried to raison, “Despite your soulmate nonsense, it’s not as if they were actually going to meet.”

***

Fitz’s phone suddenly buzzed, breaking the once again awkward silence between him and Jemma. He looked at it, trying to determine if he should read the message now – it didn’t seem very polite to Jemma – or if he should wait. Maybe it was important, though. Maybe it was his boss.

“Do you mind if I…?”

“Not at all.” She smiled, but he knew her and he could see the sadness in her eyes. His heart ached a little at seeing her like this. Not that he could do much about it.

He took his phone and unlocked it. It was a message from Sam. He read it and his eyes widened. Lingerie? Alice? Oh god. She was probably trying to light up again the passion that had been between them at the beginning, which had been fading out for some time. It was working _so fucking well_. Alice in lingerie. How was he supposed to wait for the whole week now before seeing her again, before having her to himself again? He pictured his girlfriend in a fancy black lingerie ensemble, and had to refrain himself from groaning. Trying to turn his attention away from his phone, he looked up, and his eyes fell on the woman sitting next to him. Jemma. Alice’s face in his head instantly disappeared, leaving him with an even sexier fantasy of _Jemma_ in lingerie. Oh god. Despite his best efforts to move on from her, he had been fantasizing regularly about his (ex) best friend for the past six years, only really stopping when he was in a relationship. Because usually Jemma was god-knows-where and his girlfriend was living with him. Today, it was the other way round. Alice was millions of miles away in New York, and Jemma was _right next to him_.

He typed a quick reply to Sam and sent it. And now he had to think about something else really, _really_ fast. Thankfully, Jemma couldn’t notice anything odd in his jeans, because there was a table above it. But he was pretty sure he had let out a little gasp at the mental image, and that, she had probably noticed. He silently prayed that she hadn’t heard anything.

***

When the screen beeped again, Pepper and Tony turned simultaneously to the screen, anxious. Fitz’s reply was in big white letters on the hologram. _Wow, lingerie? Can’t wait for next week! Also, you’ll never guess who I met today in LA! Clue: I hadn’t seen her for six years & I talk about her all the time._

“Fuck,” said Tony. And that summarized pretty much Pepper’s thoughts at that point.

***

Fitz glanced at Jemma. She was reading her tea bag’s label and didn’t seem to pay attention to him. He coughed a bit. She looked at him and smiled again.

“What was it?” She asked lightly. Then she seemed to remember they hadn’t seen each other for six years, and added: “Sorry, if it’s not intrusive…”

“No it’s not, don’t worry. It was just my… friend.” He had almost said best friend. It was the truth, Sam was his best friend, but he didn’t want to hurt her. “A friend of mine. That’s it.”

“Oh. Okay.” She seemed to hesitate a bit, and then kept talking. “Actually, I have to go back to work. You know, afternoon shift…” It was almost an apology. At his surprise, Fitz felt something that was very much like disappointment. Yeah, disappointment, that was actually it. He wanted to keep talking to her. It didn’t make sense… He had been away from her for six years. He had moved on. It was scary to realize how addicted to her he had been, and even worse, how addicted to her he still was. (How addicted to her he would always be.)

“Eh, maybe you want to… Eat somewhere with me tonight?” he offered, almost unwillingly. “If you’re free? You know, just to catch up? For old times’ sake…” He cursed himself for asking something this stupid. It wasn’t a date, of course, this at least was clear, but what if she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore? After all, he had left SHIELD – he had left _her_ – first… And what if she had a boyfriend? What about _Will_?

But then he watched as her face lightened and she smiled, for real this time, a true smile that made her eyes sparkle and her cheeks blush. And he remembered why he had fallen in love with her in the first place, and suddenly he was very, _very_ glad he had asked her out tonight.

 _It isn’t a date_ , he repeated to himself.

“Yes, I think I’m free.”

“Well, let me think… We could meet at seven? In the park? In front of the California Science Center?”

“Sounds great.” She looked excited, and the smile hadn’t left her face. He grinned too.

 _It isn’t a date,_ his brain reminded him. And of course, he knew that. He had a girlfriend. But for the first time since they had met in the Starbucks half an hour ago, she looked happy. And that was enough to make him happy as well.

“See you tonight then?” She said, and the hope in her voice was wonderful and terrible all at once, because at some point he would have to tell her about Alice. But not yet. After all, since it wasn’t a date, they weren’t doing anything wrong, right? They were just two friends catching up after being separated for six years. Right? _Right?_

“Yeah, see you tonight.” He said, and her smile was blindingly beautiful.


	3. I can say that I've tried to tell you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so, first of all, sorry for missing my own deadline! This chapter was much harder to write than I thought it would be. Also next week will be very hard for me cause I have tons of things to do, so don't expect a new chapter before next Sunday or maybe even the week after.
> 
> Anyway, here it is! I apologize for writing angst (at least I hope I managed to write angst) in these times of delight for the FitzSimmons shippers! Have you guys seen the promo still and the gif? Do you think it's really happening next Tuesday?
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter! As always, it's unbetaed and I have no idea what I'm doing writing in English, so feel free to leave your impression/advice/encouragement/whatever in the comments. I hope you enjoy!

She was going to have dinner with _Fitz_. Jemma felt like she would start laughing, or dancing, or flying, or all at once, at any moment. She had tried not to be too excited, remembering that the last time they went to the restaurant together, she had spent the night crying on his shoulder. Hopefully they would be more successful tonight.

 _It isn’t a date, though,_ she reminded herself for the thousandth time. Fitz had been clear on the matter; “Just to catch up” and “For old times’ sake” were not even close to something romantic. But still, it was a start! Obviously, she couldn’t just expect him to ask her out, or propose, or whatever. He had wanted to see her again. That was the happiest end to their encounter she could have hoped for. They were going to dinner tonight, _together_ , and she still couldn’t believe how quickly she had fallen back into an endless pit of feelings for Fitz. Half an hour with him had been enough to fill her head with possibilities, friendship memories, and an odd feeling that she identified as longing. And somewhere, deeper inside, a hint of the love she hadn’t been able to erase.

 _Love_. Was it what she was feeling for him, even after all these years apart? Jemma took a deep breath, trying to know what she was feeling. How had she reacted upon seeing him earlier? She had felt a strange mix of shock, relief and happiness. And love, always love, because it had always been the case even on the day one of their friendship.

But this love, had it – had it changed somehow? Was it different now than it was in the beginning? It had to be, because despite her best intentions not to think about him during these six years, she had done so more times than she could count, and, well… You couldn’t regret never kissing _just a friend_. You didn’t think after each failed date that _just a friend_ would have been so much more interesting and done everything so much better and looked so much more handsome.

All of the available data was enough to conclude that she was in love with Fitz, and data was always right. And honestly, Jemma didn’t feel even a tiny bit annoyed by that conclusion. It felt less like a new discovery than like something she had known for a very long time and had only admitted to herself now. Actually, it was exactly it. She had known it for forever. She had never made the distinction between “before” and “after” falling in love with him, because such a distinction simply _didn’t exist_.

So that was it. She was in love with Fitz, she had been since day one and she was finally admitting it to herself.

What was she going to do about it?

Jemma didn’t even have to think about it for more than half a second. It came to her as evidence. She was going to tell him tonight. She _had_ to tell him, for she didn’t know if she’d ever have another chance. She had hated herself for six years for letting him go. She didn’t want to stay quiet and then regret it for the rest of her life. He had to know.

Of course, he could have moved on. He could be in a relationship. But she could deal with that. She just couldn’t deal with her regrets any longer. If he didn’t love her anymore, or if he didn’t want anything to do with her, it would be hard. But she’d accept it anyway, because that was exactly what Fitz had done when leaving SHIELD. She would let him decide what he wanted, and respect his decision. He didn’t owe her anything, but she owed him the freedom to decide what he wanted.

She was anxious, but determined to confess her feelings, and that thought alone was enough to make her happy. Finally, _finally_ she was going to tell him how she felt after keeping it bottled up inside of her for so long. She wanted to shout her love for Fitz to the world, to the stars, to anyone who would listen. She _knew_ how she felt and it was such a new and wonderful feeling that she wanted to sing.

So this is why when Maureen walked into the lab three minutes later, she found Jemma humming a hit song from last year while putting her chemical solution to distillation.

“Hi Jem, I was wondering if you were done with my paper? I’m going on lunch break and I wanted to do the last bit of editing before sending the final version to the editor… You okay?” She seemed concerned.

“Everything’s perfect!” Jemma flashed her a smile. “Right, your paper. Let me see…” Jemma took her purse and reached inside to find Maureen’s file. She gave it to the younger scientist. “Here you go! It was great. I highlighted one or two things that are not really clear, but it’s amazing.”

“Oh thanks.” Maureen watched Jemma’s big smile, the biggest she had ever seen on her face, and raised an eyebrow. “Did something happen? At the Starbucks?” Maureen knew she was close to the truth when Jemma’s eyes lighted up.

Jemma couldn’t keep the smile off of her face. Should she tell Maureen, though? Half of it was classified… She quietly decided against it, at least not right now. What would she say anyway? _I met my best friend today; I hadn’t seen him in six years…_ Ridiculous. _I have a non-date with the guy I’m in love with..._ Absolutely ludicrous.

“It’s nothing,” She answered eventually, keeping her voice steady and trivial – she was very proud she had managed that.

“Uh, Jem… You were _humming_. It’s like the first time I see you look even a little happy. I mean, you didn’t seem particularly sad before, but you weren’t happy. It sure doesn’t look like nothing to me.” Jemma cringed at that. Saying she wasn’t happy when she first arrived at LA was a bloody hell of an understatement.

“Well, no, really, it’s nothing.”

“If you say so…” She glanced at Jemma a last time before leaving the lab. She was clearly taking this as a challenge: Maureen was persistent to say the least, and Jemma was positive she hadn’t heard the end of it. The girl wasn’t just going to give up. She was a true scientist: curious, stubborn, and she wanted above everything else to _understand_ things, exactly like Jemma herself at this age.

Well, to be fair, not _exactly_ , because Jemma at Maureen’s age had something that Maureen didn’t have, and never would.

Something Jemma had lost and now desperately needed to get back.

***

Fitz checked his phone again, for the second time in less than a minute. Not that he was actually expecting a text from Jemma – she didn’t even have his number – but the science center was closed and he felt incredibly stupid just standing there in this black suit jacket. Of course, there were several groups of people all around the park, but it didn’t make up for the fact that he was alone, and expecting someone that would possibly never show up.

Was she going to come? It was eight past seven now and Jemma was rarely late. He didn’t even want to think about how he’d feel if she didn’t show up. And it wasn’t just because of the humiliation. What would it mean? That she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore? But she had looked quite excited earlier at the Starbucks… He didn’t know what was going to happen tonight. But he was sure of one thing, he couldn’t forget Alice. He would just apologize to Jemma tonight, because he had left her and he regretted it almost every day. He would just apologize, and nothing else would happen, because it wasn’t a date, and because he had missed his chance with Jemma. He had given up on her when he had left.

And then he saw her walking to him. She was gorgeous in the sunset, her hair shining brightly in the golden light. She looked even happier than at the coffee shop. _That’s because she didn’t actually expect me to be there_. The thought hit him harder than a punch in the face. Was their relationship and trust really irreparably broken? _Of course it is. I left her_.

No, he didn’t want to think of this tonight. He was going to enjoy catching up with her, and then they would each go back, her to her flat and him to his hotel. And nothing would change. He would still be with Alice and she would still be with Will, or whoever she was with at the moment, and they would be friends again and everything would be perfectly the same.

Wouldn’t it?

***

“So. Six years, uh?”

They were sitting comfortably at a table. The waiter had obviously mistaken them for a couple, and had given them a “date table”. Thus, they were a little isolated from the other customers and facing each other. Jemma didn’t mind, she now had the best excuse to stare at Fitz: he was just in front of her. She couldn’t help but notice how well the open-collared shirt fit him. For the first time – at least for the first time while she was sober – she realized that he wasn’t only handsome, he was also _hot_. She briefly wondered if things would have happened sooner if she had _noticed it_ sooner, but she didn’t want to think of the past now. They were at the restaurant together and it was – or at least she hoped it was – the beginning of something new for them.

“Yeah. Six years.”

Her words rang in the air and then they were both silent and somehow it was even more awkward than at the Starbucks. He hadn’t looked at her yet, always avoiding her gaze, which was a miracle because she was right in front of him.

“So, do you…”

“I’m sorry.” He blurted out suddenly, taking Jemma completely off guards. She stared at him for the longest six seconds of her life. She had been about to ask him if he had a girlfriend, and she had been expecting basically anything, but this… This was not at all what she had been prepared for. She had expected him to be mad at her, not to apologize! But he actually looked very uneasy, as if he was planning on saying this. _Maybe he was._ So apparently, they weren’t going to consider a future tonight. At least not now. Maybe it was for the best. They indeed needed to solve their past issues before planning something new together.

“What?”

“I’m sorry”, he said again. “For leaving.” She couldn’t actually believe it. _He_ was sorry? What should _she_ be then? He had left SHIELD first, yes, but he had a fucking good reason to do it! And of course it had hurt, but she knew she couldn’t just keep making him wait and that at some point he would just leave. That’s what had happened.

“But, I mean… Fitz, you don’t –”

“I left SHIELD, I left you, Jemma… I’m a terrible person.”

“ _You’re_ a terrible person?” It was like their old arguments, when they first got onto the Bus. They were non-stop bickering about everything. “You must be kidding cause it’s _me_ who has been the worst friend ever here!”

“You’re not the worst friend ever, Jemma, the fault is all mine. You just wanted to live your life with Will and my silly hopes about… _us_ got in the way.”

The way he had said _us_ was so obviously painful that Jemma wanted to cry. That tone of voice made it clear it was something Fitz had thought about a lot, and he had finally _given up_ on. He had given up on them. It was the last thing she had expected. Fitz had always been the more optimistic of the two of them, how was it possible that he had just dropped hope? She wanted to slap him, she wanted to scream at him, she wanted to kiss him, she wanted to drag him out of here and break down in his arms.

Instead, she tried to keep her voice steady.

“Well I broke up with Will four years ago, and I hadn’t have news from him since, so that’s that. And I… Actually _I_ left first. I went to Hydra…”

“You were undercover! _I_ left because I didn’t want you to feel obligated to me, and obviously that’s how you felt…”

“How can you even know how I felt? Did you ever think about _asking me_?” She had tears in her eyes now, from rage and hurt and despair. She had to make him understand that _it was him_. As far as she was concerned, _it had always been him_. Will had given her hope while she was on Hell Planet, but between him and Fitz, as despicable as it sounded, she wouldn’t hesitate one second before choosing the latter.

She couldn’t even remember Will’s face anyway, whereas she had tried her best to forget Fitz’s and hadn’t been able to.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Fitz,” she said gently. “I know why you left and… I don’t blame you for it. You… It was the best thing you could have done for yourself.”

“It was the most selfish thing –”

“You _have_ to be selfish sometimes.” Jemma smiled weakly. She wiped the tears on her cheeks and took a deep breath. “ _I am_ sorry. I took an unbelievable amount of time to figure out my feelings and… when I was finally sure of myself, you weren’t there anymore.”

She watched him through the tears that were once again blurring her vision. He was gaping at her, unsure if this was a love confession. It was probably the most important moment of her life. Everything that would happen next would be determined by what she would say now.

“No, I… Look, really, I don’t blame you. You were right to leave and it would be selfish of me not to acknowledge it. I just want you to know that… I…” A tear ran down her face. She could do it. She could confess her feelings for him. She _had_ to do it, or else she would hate herself for the rest of her life for not finding the courage. “Fitz. I just want you to know that it’s… You were right to leave, but if you had stayed, well… We could have been _something_.”

She let her words linger in the air, waiting for Fitz to fully understand their meaning.

“You… you were in love with me?” He hesitantly asked. It broke her heart to see him look that uncertain. _That’s it, Jemma. That’s the moment._

“I was in love with you, yes…” She stared at him. Their eyes met. The blue had gone from her favorite color to her least favorite, but it might very well be her favorite again now. His eyes were beautiful. “Fitz… I –”

“Don’t say it.” She felt a thrill of fear running down her spine. _What?_ Did he… Had he guessed what she was going to say? Why didn’t he…? Well, if he didn’t want her to say it, he had to have a reason, right? She should listen to him, accept the fact that he wasn’t in love with her anymore, leave the restaurant and never see him again. That was the proper reaction to have. That was selflessness, that was letting Fitz decide for what he wanted and not push him towards something he didnt want. What was she even hoping for, coming here tonight?

 _You have to be selfish sometimes_. Her own words came back to her. She remembered why she had been so excited for this dinner. The start of something new… Well, telling him wasn't exactly pushing him towards a relationship he didn't want, was it? There was a large gap between a love confession and an actual relationship... She _had_ to tell him.

“I have to say it, Fitz! I’ve waited too long for this; you don’t understand how much I hated myself after realizing you were gone for good!” She was crying again. Thinking about her guilt and her regrets had always been close to unbearable for her.

“Jemma, don’t. Please.” He looked desperate now.

“I should have said it six years ago. Hell, I should have said it _ten_ years ago! And a million times since then! I –”

“Jemma…”

“I’m in love with you!” That was it. There was no going back. She had said it out loud, he had heard it.

She watched his face harden. She didn’t know how this would turn out, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret saying it. If he decided that he hated her, then so be it. She couldn’t have spent the rest of her life thinking about what could have happened anyway.

“I’m sorry Jemma. I’m so sorry.”

He stood up, avoiding her eyes. Jemma was crying, for real this time. She didn’t remember crying this hard since the week after he had left. The tears streamed down her face and fell down her chin. She looked at Fitz, who went to the counter and said something to the waitress. He gestured towards Jemma, so they were probably talking about her, but they were too far and she couldn’t hear anything. She watched Fitz give something to the woman and thank her. Then he turned around to leave, and looked at her a last time. Their eyes met, and Fitz’s stare was so full of sadness that it made Jemma’s heart sink even deeper in her chest.


	4. They say that time's supposed to heal you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've made it! We're halfway there, guys! Yes, I know I took forever to write the chapter, but life got in the way. Anyway, now it's there and the next one should hopefully be faster.
> 
> No Fitz in this chapter, but Tony and Pepper are back!
> 
> As always, it's unbetaed and English is not my first language, well, you know all this now. Feel free to point out any mistake you notice or to comment and leave your impressions or advice. Oh, and another thing: I don't watch Doctor Who, so please tell me if there's a problem with what I wrote near the end of the chapter. You'll see. ;-)
> 
> Thank you for reading!

From a communication standpoint, the date – because let’s face it, you don’t confess your love on a friendly meeting – had been pretty good. From an emotional standpoint, Jemma felt so wrecked it was a miracle she had managed to get home. It was probably the worst day of her life.

Who was she trying to fool? It was without any doubt the worst day of her life. How was she supposed to keep going forward after this? She didn’t want to see Fitz again, nor did she want to see anyone else. She didn’t want to get up and pretend to be alright. She had done that for too many years already; she was sick of pretending. She wanted to cry for the rest of her life – even though it wasn’t biologically possible, she felt so broken she would probably be able to. It was only the fourth time she felt this emotionally blasted. And now that she thought about it, she had never felt like this about anything or anyone else than Fitz.

The first time, she had spent days crying while he was in the coma. It had lasted nine days, and the first two had been the hardest. She still remembered perfectly his livid face half covered by the oxygen mask. She couldn’t forget how hopeless she had been then, positive he was going to die there, almost in her arms, just as he had begun to push the door behind which was maybe hidden something more than friendship. A world without Fitz by her side was a wasted world, and if she had only truly realized it in front of his half-cold body in a hospital bed, she had known it forever.

But then he had woken up to everyone’s surprise. And she had made herself the promise of always believing in him from now on, before realizing he was different and he would maybe never be again the man she had known.

Yet eventually they had overcome that as well, learning to know each other for the second time and becoming best friends all over again. They had silently agreed not to talk about what had happened in the pod, but Jemma couldn’t keep it out of her mind and when she actually thought about it, it was obvious she had been in love with him as well, all along, even then. She understood why he had been so hurt by her undercover mission. She knew why she made him worse – he didn’t want to disappoint her, as always.

But then, as they had finally started talking about their feelings – almost – she had been taken to Maveth. And everything had fallen apart.

Again.

She had really thought they were going to be together when she got back because, honestly, she couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But her world had been broken another time when the bottle had crashed against the canyon. That was her last particle of hope flying away with the glass pieces in the dark sky of Maveth. That was when she had finally let go of the resolution she had taken back when Fitz had woken up from his coma: she had sworn she would trust him always, but this, this was hopeless. It was the second time she had cried that much, because they had always fixed things together, and they were now a universe apart. It wouldn’t work. It couldn’t work.

The crash of the bottle had been when she had thought for the first time – and not for the last – her bond with Fitz had been broken.

It hadn’t.

Their bond hadn’t been broken because Fitz, wonderful, extraordinary Fitz, had accomplished the impossible by bringing her back from the other side of the universe. Because their bond couldn’t be broken, even by the cosmos itself. Because their love was the strongest. Upon the darkness of the planet, Will had been the candle that had brought her some light, and in an eternal night, she had ended up thinking he was the Sun. Only, when she had seen the actual Sun again, she hadn’t realized her mistake right away. And she had let it go, not realizing what she was losing, because after all, she had her candle.

The candle though, in the end, was just a candle. And with the Sun gone, it hadn’t kept the night from swallowing everything.

She had cried because of Fitz’s leaving, and she had cried even more because it was her fault. And again, and again, and she felt so guilty for crying on Will’s shoulder or in Will’s arms, and it made her cry even more. She had lost her best friend in the world – but really, he was more than that. She had lost her everything. And that was the third time.

Each time she thought she was never going to see Fitz again, she collapsed on the floor – either literally or metaphorically – and cried until her eyes were so dry that even closing them was painful. Now was no different. She wanted to bury herself under the cover and never see anything or anyone again for the rest of eternity. She didn’t want to eat, work, laugh or forget. She didn’t even want to cry, but at that moment it was her default state.

She didn’t want to keep living, really. Even though, weirdly enough, neither did she want to die. She just wanted to disappear, to vanish into thin air and never to have to care about anything again.

Yet she would have to get up eventually. She would have to keep living. Since she couldn’t possibly forget Fitz, she would have to forgive him. Even if she never saw him again which, at the rate it was going, seemed more than very likely. She would just have to learn to live with what-ifs and unanswered questions that would never find an answer.

***

Tony had heard Pepper knocking at his door for too many years not to recognize the delicate sound of her hand on the steel. She was the only one that came without an appointment anyway. Well, her and Fitz, but the latter was thousands of miles away. And the sound of Pepper’s heels was unmistakable.

“Anything new?” She asked when she came in, looking at his messy desk.

“They went on a date! Well, it wasn’t exactly a _date_ but they went to the restaurant together!”

Pepper stopped at that and sighed. “I was talking about the robot project, but fine.” She looked at him in the eyes, and there was more than a hint of exasperation there. “You’re too invested in Fitz’s private life, you know that?”

“Given that this is the eighth time you tell me exactly that in less than two days, yes, I think I get it.”

But really, he wasn’t _that_ invested. If he was, he would already be in Los Angeles and Fitz and Simmons would already be locked in a closet. Pepper was always dramatizing everything.

“How do you know they went on a date anyway?”

“Mockingbird called this morning. Fitzsimmons met and talked yesterday, _just like I said they would_ ,” he emphasized the last few words to almost comical proportions, “And went to dinner yesterday night. But then apparently they had a fight and, well, we don’t know.”

“And how does Mockingbird know that?”

“From what she told me, I think SHIELD has an undercover agent to watch Simmons. It actually makes sense that they would send someone to protect her from HYDRA or whatever. And this agent just happens to be in the right place to push Fitz and Simmons in a romantic relationship!” Tony smiled triumphantly. Pepper just raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced.

“What about Alice?”

“SHIELD is taking care of Jemma to keep her from losing hope. Morse is convinced Fitz will take the right choice on his own. And _we_ …” he let a dramatic pause, watching his girlfriend. “…deal with the Alice matter.”

Pepper’s reaction wasn’t exactly what he expected. “ _That’s why_ you gave the order to spy on the poor girl! I can’t believe you’re actually doing that, she didn’t do anythi…”

“She didn’t do anything wrong, I know.” Tony took the files and put them down on his desk, next to the phone and the pile of reports from the robotics division. “Did Maria give you a summary?”

Pepper looked annoyed, but she sighed and replied: “Alice Martinez, thirty years old. PhD in chemistry, she works in a cosmetics lab.”

“Cosmetics? Not what I expected from Fitz.”

She rolled her eyes, and did as if she hadn’t heard him. “Both her parents live in Philadelphia. She has a brother, but they’re not very close. She hasn’t seen him in years. No kids. Fitz and she have been together for eleven months.”

“How did they meet?”

Tony could very well have taken the file and read it, but asking Pepper was so much easier. He had never liked reading through files and reports anyway.

“Well, they bumped into each other in the street, Fitz’s drone prototype at the time ended up broken, she insisted to make it up by buying him a coffee and then she gave him her number so she could pay for the damages if he needed it, and a month later they were dating.”

“Ugh, it’s so cute it’s disgusting. I mean come on! That kind of thing only happens in movies!”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “Maria also said something about how, according to their friends, their relationship is beginning to fall apart.” That made Tony focus. He stared at her. “But,” Pepper added with a smile, “You’ll have to read the file for details about this. I’m not telling you anything more.”

Her smug smile was incredibly annoying, but as usual, Tony was already thirty seconds ahead and he knew exactly how to remove the grin from her face.

“Alright, well, I’m going to do just that.” He watched the pride on her face turn to surprise, and added: “Could you arrange me a meeting with Alice Martinez for tomorrow?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Mockingbird expects me to deal with the Alice thing. I need to meet her for that, don’t you think?”

“And how exactly do you plan on making her fall out of love with Fitz?”

“That’s not my point. She’s _already_ out of love with Fitz. I just need to make her realize it.”

Pepper took a few seconds to process the sentence, and blinked. “You really are too sure of yourself.”

***

Jemma Simmons had never missed work since she had come to Los Angeles. Not even once. Work had been her anchor to reality, making her wake up every day and go to sleep at reasonable hours. Making her cook, because she knew she had to eat to stay efficient. Making her live – or at least survive – day after day, week after week. Science was simply what kept her going, what prevented her from drifting away among hopeless thoughts and locking herself in awful memories.

Yet today, science was the furthest thing from her mind. For the first time since she had come to Los Angeles, she had decided not to go to work. Crying all day in bed wasn’t logically supposed to make her feel better, except it was exactly what she needed. Her headache was probably the worst one she had ever experienced, but well, that was obviously what happened when she cried herself to sleep, without ever managing to actually get some rest.

The knocks on her apartment door were not particularly loud, but to Jemma they sounded like thunderbolts. She groaned in pain and frustration in her pillow and instantly resolved to be the quietest she could. There was no way in hell she was going to open the door and welcome whoever was outside. She was tempted to shout ‘Go away!’ but she didn’t trust her voice, and she would probably end up crying out loud anyway. _Again._

“Jemma, I know you’re in here.” The voice was familiar and obviously friendly. “Please, I don’t want to scare you or anything, it’s just that… Well I know you’re not fine. You don’t have to talk about it. I brought you some lunch!”

Maureen. It was Maureen on the other side of the door. Jemma felt a wave of relief crash over her. Maureen was her friend, she was safe to talk with, and even better, Maureen didn’t know anything about Fitz. There wouldn’t be any awkward questions. She was exactly what Jemma needed right now: someone friendly to talk with about completely uninteresting things.

“Jem?” She called again. “Tell me if you want me to leave, okay?”

“No,” Jemma managed to mutter. Luckily, she had been loud enough for Maureen to hear the answer. She gathered her strength and sat down in the bed, keeping the cover wrapped around herself. She coughed, and added: “There’s a key.” She was pleased to note that her voice was steadier than she thought it’d be. “T’s in the blue flowerpot.”

The next thing she heard was Maureen fiddling with the lock, and then the door opened and she came in, bringing with her a delicious smell of coffee. The door closed, and the junior scientist called again: “I’m heading for your room, okay?”

Jemma decided this didn’t call for a reply and lay back again in the bed. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to talk to Maureen, but at least she was supportive and wouldn’t mention the night before. Even though maybe, just maybe, Jemma needed to talk about it. Maybe she needed to get it out before she could actually get up again and keep living. Maybe it would feel nice to talk about everything that had happened between her and Fitz. Or maybe it would destroy her even more and break her heart another time.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

In science, you had to formulate a hypothesis before running an experiment to verify your hypothesis. In life, there were way too many hypotheses to test them all. Maybe it was just easier not to think about it, and to just act and make the best of what was thrown at you.

Maybe science wasn’t at all like living, after all.

“Jemma?” Maureen stood in the door frame, worried. “Hey. We won’t talk about anything you don’t want to talk about, okay?” She stepped in, smiling reassuringly. She was holding a cup of coffee in her right hand and a heavy-looking bag in her left. Leaving the bag on the floor, Maureen sat down on the chair next to the bed. The travel mug had a TARDIS on it, which made Jemma smile almost unconsciously.

“How did you know?” She let the words linger in the air. The question was as much about Doctor Who as about Jemma’s bad condition. Maureen got both meanings.

“You keep an autographed photo of Karen Gillan in your desk drawer at work and you’ve got all of the episodes on your external hard drive.” Jemma frowned. She didn’t watch the show anymore, for it reminded her of too many late nights with Fitz, but Maureen was right. Though, before Jemma could ask anything, the girl added: “And you never miss work. Never. You’re one of the most hard-working people I know, if not the most hard-working one. When you didn’t come this morning, Broyles insisted it was fine and you could take a day off, but I knew something was odd, because you seemed so happy yesterday and yet _now_ …”

Their eyes met. Maureen seemed so concerned that it almost hurt. Jemma didn’t know why the junior scientist was doing this. They had never been _friends_ in the proper sense of the word. Their relationship was more like a friendly mentorship. Why the girl was taking care of her so much was beyond Jemma, but she didn’t mind. Oddly, she _trusted_ Maureen.

That’s probably why she finally decided to tell her everything about Fitz. She needed someone’s shoulder to cry on. Someone’s attention and care and advice. Someone that would just listen to the story and help her to get through the dark.

“Maureen,” Jemma began, but she stopped, unsure of the girl’s reaction. Her grey eyes were kind, so she kept talking: “I need… I need to talk with someone – about a lot of things…”

“You can tell me anything, Jemma. But you don’t have to feel forced, you know, I’m fine if you don’t tell me…”

“No, I want to – I need to tell someone and you’re the only one I trust here.”

Jemma took a deep breath, wondering if that was the right decision. She wasn’t sure she would be able to keep everything bottled up inside for much longer. And after all, talking about something was the first step of letting it go, wasn’t it?

“We met at the aca– in college. We were both child prodigies from the UK, we were both seventeen. His name was Leo Fitz –”


	5. ...but I ain't done much healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I wish you a happy new year, blah blah blah, yeah. I hope y'all have a great 2016 and everything. ♥
> 
> Anyway. You're starting to get used to it, unbetaed and english's still not my first language. Also if you're a scientist/have any knowledge in robotics or neuroscience, please unplug your brain and put it in the containment unit near the door. My scientific concepts are completely random and very likely impossible. Just pretend like it's great, it's the MCU after all.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and feel free to leave a kudo - or even better, a comment!

When Jemma stopped talking, she breathed out slowly and it felt like finally letting go of a breath she had taken six years ago, when she had left SHIELD. A breath she hadn’t even noticed she had taken. And it felt so freeing, really, to finally have told someone.

Maureen, however, kept looking at the ground. She hadn’t made eye contact since Jemma had begun, which had been perfectly fine as long as she was talking, since Jemma’s eyes had been unfocused during the entirety of the story. But now it was over, and Jemma was waiting for the girl’s reaction. Why wouldn’t she look at her?

Then she realized. Jemma had talked about everything, because for her, everything had been part of the story and everything had been so real she had completely forgotten how bizarre it was. For Maureen, all of this probably sounded ludicrous. A portal to another planet? Obviously, Maureen was avoiding Jemma’s eyes because she thought she was lying, or worse, completely mad. _Of course_ it was that. Why had she thought that telling Maureen everything would be a good idea again?

“Please,” Jemma started, “Can we just go back to our lives and pretend like this never happened? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tell you all of this.”

This made Maureen frown. “No, Jemma…”

“No, look, I know you don’t believe me and it’s fine, really, I don’t blame you. I mean, I know it sounds crazy. But please, I just want us to forget about all this and–”

“Jemma.”

The two women were now looking at each other. Jemma realized her cheeks were wet. She had started crying again at some point without even noticing it. This was happening way too often to her taste these days. Maureen sighed and looked at her friend dead in the eye.

“You see, Jems, that’s your main problem. You say something, and then you automatically assume what the person in front of you is thinking, and you act in consequence.” Jemma opened her mouth, ready to deny, because this pseudo psychological analysis was ridiculous and Jemma wasn’t _assuming_ anything, thank you very much, but Maureen didn’t let her. “See? You’re assuming I don’t believe you, and to avoid an awkward talk, you distance yourself, you ask me to never speak about it again.”

Jemma closed her mouth slowly. It made sense. It made _so much_ sense. She recalled all the times she had done exactly that: assuming something that would lead to an awkward talk, and then burying it under a hundred layers of quiet hurt and unspoken words. With Fitz, of course, she had done it after the pod, and then after Hydra, and then about Will, and now that she was actually thinking about it, her relationship with Fitz had been almost entirely based on assumptions, at least since the pod. She had assumed he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore (He did.) She had been sure her leaving would be the best choice. (It wasn’t.) He had been positive she was in love with Will (She was.) and that she didn’t feel the same way. (She did.)

“You just need to learn to communicate, Jemma. Did you ever talk to Fitz about everything that happened between you two?”

“…Yes?” Jemma answered, hoping it would sound more convincing out loud than it did in her head.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then.” Maureen sighed. “Well, that’s the answer. You two just need to talk!”

“Well, I did tell him I’m in love with him.”

“That’s not enough! You need to address every issue you have, one by one, and clarify everything. The med pod, you leaving for HYDRA, Maveth, Will, all of it. You tell me you’re in love with him. Don’t let him go.”

Jemma’s eyes fell to the floor. He didn’t want anything to do with her anymore. He had moved on, as she should have. She had already let him go six years ago, not realizing it at the time. She had infinitely regretted it since then, but it was too late to go back.

“He doesn’t want…”

“If he loved you half as much as you said he did, there _is_ something left of his feelings for you. I’m not saying you absolutely have to solve everything, but… Talk to him again. Solve what you can, apologize, agree to see him again or to avoid him for the rest of your lives, but do what you need to do to make sure you won’t have regrets. You told me he was here for the conference days. Even if he’s not lecturing, he must be somewhere at the Uni. Go and see him, take a chance! Try to be happy, Jemma.” The sincerity behind the girl’s words made Jemma’s eyes wet again. But she wouldn’t cry, not this time when Maureen was being so kind and caring. “You deserve happiness. Whether it is with him, or with someone else, or on your own, you do.”

Refusing to think any longer, Jemma threw her arms around the girl in a messy, teary, grateful hug. She was crying, after all, but it didn’t matter. Maureen had said everything she dreaded and wanted to hear at the same time, and it was painful and it was marvelous.

“And, Jems…” Jemma broke the hug and moved back a little to look at Maureen. “For the record, I _do_ believe you about the other planet. You’d have known that if you had let me talk.”

***

On Wednesdays, Tony Stark normally took the day off. But today, oh, today was too important. Today, we was accomplishing the work of… well, not God, because Tony Stark doesn’t believe in any other god than himself. But he was definitely accomplishing something important today.

Today, he was fixing Fitzsimmons.

Pepper, obviously, was convinced he was doing too much, but… Even when you’re Pepper Potts, how do you convince Tony Stark he’s wrong? You _don’t_. You just know he will eventually realize it himself and then, you know you’ll be able to say ‘I told you so’ and that in itself is satisfying enough. So, Pepper was standing next to the reception desk, waiting patiently for Alice Martinez to show up.

She didn’t have to wait long. Alice came in at 10:52 A.M., eight minutes before the time of the appointment. Pepper recognized her because she had seen photos, of course, but she’d have known anyway. She was proud to say she knew every employee of Stark Industries, and Alice, for sure, wasn’t one of them.

Alice looked every bit like the businesswoman Pepper was, with the slight exceptions her hair was black, her suit was brown and she wore glasses. She didn’t seem very sure of herself, even if she made a special effort to look confident. Pepper stepped forward and smiled in reassurance. She wasn’t exactly sure what Tony was going to say to the girl, but she knew he wasn’t going to hurt her. _At least I hope._

“Good morning, Dr. Martinez.” She watched as a flash of surprise broke through Alice’s fake confidence. “I’m Pepper Potts. I’ll take you to Mr. Stark’s office, if you’ll follow me?”

Alice regained composure quickly, and nodded. As she followed Pepper in the elevator, she asked: “Uh, do you have any idea what this is all about? I was told it wasn’t about my work, but…” She trailed off, uncertain, and added: “My boyfriend works here, but it can’t be about him, can it? I’d have been informed if something had happened to him, right?”

She was clever; enough to figure out that this was about Fitz, even if she didn’t really know why yet. Pepper felt sympathy for her. She sounded nice and unable to hurt anybody. Whatever Tony ended up telling her, she hoped he wouldn’t be too harsh on the girl. She had just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, she didn’t deserve any hate or rudeness.

“Miss Potts?”

“Well, yes, I know everything, but...” Should she tell her? What was she going to say anyway? ‘ _Ah, in fact, Mr. Stark wants you to break up with your boyfriend so he can be with the_ other _woman he loves, for absolutely no other reason than because Tony Stark decided it._ ’ Yeah, it was probably better if she didn’t say anything. “Please believe me when I tell you this is all Mr. Stark’s idea. He’ll explain it himself. I can only tell you that nothing happened to Fitz. Well… Nothing bad.”

“So it _is_ about Fitz?”

Pepper sighed in relief when the elevator beeped and the doors opened. “We’re there. Mr. Stark will welcome you in a moment.” She hesitated, but then added with a grin: “If he’s being rude at some point, you can tell him I’m watching the security feed.”

She didn’t let Alice a chance to react, as she went to knock on the door. She wouldn’t _really_ be watching the security feed, but neither Alice nor Tony needed to know that. And it wasn’t as if Tony was going to be rude. She was just taking precautions. She had already warned him that none of Fitzsimmons’ troubles were Alice’s fault, but of course, a little reminder never hurt anybody.

“Come in.” It was Tony’s voice inside the office. Pepper opened the door and smiled a last time to Alice, who looked even more anxious than before. Her fake confidence was breaking under the pressure, and who would blame her, really? She was meeting Tony Stark, one of the richest men in all of the USA, possibly of the world, and her boyfriend’s boss.

Alice stepped into the office, and sat down at Tony’s invitation. Her back was now to Pepper. She took the opportunity to glance harshly at her own boyfriend, mouthing ‘Remember what I told you.’ His only reply was a wink, right before she closed the door.

God, how she hated this man sometimes.

***

Jemma checked the already creased schedule she held in her left hand for the fourteenth time in ten minutes to make sure she wasn’t dreaming and _his_ lecture was actually happening. Dr. Leopold Fitz, Stark Industries, Application of neuroscience to robotics, Room 42, 11:00 A.M. She was feeling an odd mix of dread, eagerness and anxiety, and somehow, she didn’t even know how it was still possible, deep inside, a strange flutter of _hope_. Because it all came back to this now, didn’t it? If she mucked this up again, there would be no other chance. She wasn’t even supposed to get this new opportunity. Hadn’t Maureen been there, Jemma would have stayed in bed for weeks, listening to her sobs and hearing her heart break a little bit more in each one of them.

Her phone buzzed in her right hand. She snapped out of her thoughts and unlocked it to read what was probably Maureen’s latest good luck text. _Alright, now you’re clear with Broyles! He was a bit of a struggle but he agreed to let you take another day off. ;-)_

Jemma frowned, and quickly typed a reply. _Wait, wasn’t I clear already? You told me I was!_ While waiting for the reply, Jemma decided she should move and try to find the place of Fitz's lecture, even if she still was ten minutes ahead. She made her way through the crowd, carefully looking for the room 42.

She didn’t have to wait very long for the answer, though. In front of the room 30, her phone buzzed again. Maureen’s answer was unapologetic to say the least. _Yeah, well, I lied. And don’t you dare complain, cause I’m gonna do both of our shifts today!_ Oh great. As if she didn’t have already enough reasons to be infinitely grateful to Maureen.

Obviously, she wasn’t going to tell her that.

 _I don’t care; it’s all your fault anyway! You made me go, and I’m starting to think it might not be that good of an idea…_ She had originally planned to say it was a bad idea just to bother her friend, but as she was sending the message, she realized it was true. She didn’t think that would end well. After all, they had had a first chance less than 48 hours before and it had ended up in possibly the worst possible way. Gloomily, she turned her phone on silent and slipped it in her pocket. People were walking in the hallway without paying the slightest attention to Jemma, yet about to cry.

She firmly resolved she would not cry. Not today. She would get through the lecture proudly, as hard as it may be, and since nothing was going to go according to Maureen’s plan anyway, Fitz wouldn’t even realize she was there. She would go back home and she would let herself break down again, before going on living. It would be better than keeping this Fitz-shaped hole in the center of her heart.

She took a deep breath. Jemma Simmons was a genius with two PhDs, had thrown herself out of a plane, had been dropped at the bottom of the ocean, had been undercover inside of a criminal organization, had been stranded on an alien planet for six month, and had survived each time. She could bloody well make it through one small hour of a lecture about fascinating scientific experiments!

Sixty minutes later, she was in a quite different state of mind. Frantic would have been a word to describe it. First of all, the exposed concepts were absolute genius. The scientists of Stark Industries were trying to artificially recreate capacities of the human brain to couple them with electrical and mechanical functions, both of which would lead to creating a robot, an android, with a nearly-human mind! It could even be seen as a cure to Alzheimer or to brain cancer! Of course, the process was awfully long, because they needed to study each brain part alone, then in association with others, and some parts of the brain couldn’t work without others, and it was one giant puzzle and Jemma already had dozens of ideas to help them.

On Maureen’s advice, she hadn’t brought a notebook, because ‘Jemma, the lecture is merely an excuse! You’re going there to talk to Fitz, not to babble about science, as interesting as it may be!’ She had taken a pen, though. And now, she was furiously scribbling on the back of the conference day schedule.

Second of all, she knew Fitz better than anyone, maybe even better than his own mum, and right now, Fitz looked _sad_. For everyone else, he probably just looked tired, which was understandable, but Jemma knew without a doubt that there was something more. He wasn’t shaved: the stubble from their bad days was back – along with the flutter in her stomach (it was a packaged deal). He was definitely sad. And it wasn’t just ‘It’s raining and I don’t have an umbrella’ sad, but more along the lines of ‘My heart is in pieces and I can’t do anything about it, I just want to be buried alive’ sad.

And of course, she couldn’t help but think it was about her. And the flutter of hope she had been trying to kill for six years arose again, because if he was sad about her, it meant he still cared for her, right? At least a small part of him did?

Which lead directly to the third point: Fitz didn’t look at her. She didn’t even know if he did it on purpose or if he simply hadn’t seen her, but she had been staring at him openly for the entire lecture – except for the times when she was writing new ideas and concepts – and he hadn’t looked at her once. Which was upsetting, really, as upsetting as when the result of an experiment didn’t match the hypothesis. If Fitz didn’t look at her, it surely meant that he didn’t care at all.

And it meant she had come here for nothing.

***

Jemma was sitting in the back row, and yet Fitz had still noticed her at first glance, when he had looked at the audience to see if she was there. He stared at her each time she looked down to write something. She listened to everything he said with an excitement and an eagerness that painfully reminded him of the Academy, when she was freaking out because a new chemical element had been discovered.

She was here for him. She couldn’t be here, at _his_ lecture, for any other reason than to talk to him. It was both fucking fantastic and bloody terrifying, because _how_ was he going to talk to her? She would want to know why he had run away when she had confessed her love, and he would have to tell her about Alice.

Dammit. He was going to mess this up _again_ , wasn’t he? He had been miserable at the prospect of having lost her forever since their failed _date_ , but he wasn’t exactly sure this was better. She would want to take herself out of the equation to let him live with Alice and he would never see her again… And she would suffer as much as him, knowing he was dating another woman. Honestly, it was probably better if he didn’t talk to her, if he let her live without him.

They still hadn’t make eye contact. He would just have to pretend he hadn’t seen her, he would get out of here and it would be over.

But first, he had to play the lecturer until the end. “As for today, we haven’t figured out exactly which brain parts are necessarily organic, and which ones can be replaced by electrical systems. It certainly is an ambitious project, and I certainly hope you will all want to invest yourselves in it, whether it is by bringing scientific knowledge and a new eye on the project…” His eyes drifted to Jemma at that. He couldn’t help it; he knew she would have stunning ideas for the artificial brain. He also knew that she would never be willing to help _him_ anymore, but…

He stopped dead in his tracks.

She was looking at him.

She seemed surprised too; her mouth opened a tiny bit. His eyes widened. That was not at all how it should have happened. They were not supposed to make eye contact. And not like this. And she wasn’t supposed to look this regretful and ready to cry. He felt tears threatening to stream down his face, and he blinked quickly to keep them back. A man from the University of California, sitting next to him, slightly touched his shoulder. He then realized he had stopped talking in the middle of his sentence.

“Uh, the project… Yeah, or you can donate money to Stark Industries to allow us to keep working on this, and to pursue others ambitious projects like this one in the future.” Fitz honestly doubted anyone would ever believe Stark Industries needed money, but Tony had been incredibly annoying and he had made Fitz promise to include the sentence in his speech. “Now, if you have any questions?”

He certainly hoped no one had any questions, but that was pointless. A bunch of scientists _couldn’t_ not have any questions after listening to a guy explaining a project like this one. Getting down from the stage, he braced himself for the wave of questions. While he clarified the fact that yes, it was serious and yes, they were already 15% done, he watched Jemma fold her little piece of paper, purposefully avoiding looking at him.

He _was_ going to talk to her. He couldn’t let her go, not after their shared look. He had to tell her the truth. Yes, he loved Alice, but he loved _her_ , too. And it probably made him a terribly selfish person, but if he had to make a choice, then it was already done.

She was getting up. Fitz took a sharp breath. He couldn’t miss her, not now, not at the end of whatever they had almost had. He gave a business card – one of Tony’s, of course, he wasn’t going to give his own – to all the people who were still gathered around him, told them to send their issues to his boss and excused himself.

And then he glanced at Jemma again, only to see her walk past the door. His heart skipped a beat, and he ran. He ran for his life, and hers, because he knew they would _both_ fall into pieces without the other. He ran for their shared future, for everything he had ever wanted to do and had never done.

He wasn't sure he had ever run like this before in his life.

And he caught her. She was walking in the hallway, her back was to him and he could see her shoulders shaking. He went to her, his hand brushed against her shoulder. She turned around. Her face was tearful, her eyes red and puffy, her cheeks wet.

“Jemma.” His voice was desperate. She seemed to sense it. “Let’s talk.” It was almost a plea. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and nodded.

“Alright.”


End file.
